I find myself to be…
Unable to put my computer together.
(tower, monitor, power cord, monitor cable, monitor power cord, mouse, keyboard, mic…)
My syringes. My pipes. I can feel the machine pull at me. It wants me to go exploring. My mind wants to go exploring because I AM AFRAID TO STAY HERE / NOW.
Label this fear as boredom, ADD, curiosity, whatever. Playing is all I want to do. Are they really my friends if we'd rather converse through wires and pixels? Yes. We slaughter deamons. Something better than alchohol against which to do battle(?)
I want to duel on mountains and slay frost worms as a Bear Shaman, not sit and…and...what the hell else would I do?
All the pieces are here. More narcotic hardware than 99% of the world could afford: GTS 8800, 4 gigs of RAM 38 inch plasma, the works. It would practically assemble itself, five minutes tops. Instead, I hold a legal pad. I’m hiding from something. What?
Here in my room, next to a dog soon to be given away, I wonder why I left a friends’ house 20 minutes ago. We were relaxing, the three of us. But the conversation faltered. “Remember that time in City of Heroes?” We need MORE THAN REALITY CAN OFFER.
More than it offers.
It’s quiet in here. I turn on a fan because I can’t stand the silence. Mind wanders without it. Sleep? Family? Dog? Girlfriend? No: Porn and Videogames.
I assemble her lovingly, as if adjusting a sleeping bag before a long-awaited nap. Water cooled.
And then I can’t do it. I can’t go back in like I used to. It was so easy when I was young. Spend awhile on the internet instead, reading about the games I am now unable to play. Firefox, (the lobby between reality and hallucination) swallows early morning hours.
Eventually I tire myself out enough to sleep; there has to be a better way.
I decide that I need to moderate my relationship with the digital, because the technology will never moderate itself.
Perhaps the kids should learn to moderate. To hesitate before leaving this world compeltely.
They aren’t going to. They’re online right now. Smoking "spiritual opium."